The Fog of Uncertainty

The fog of uncertainty can hit even the most goal oriented driven people and when it comes it hits hard and can paralyze you if you let it. Change is everywhere and there really is no way to avoid it. I laugh because I know that and I am even someone who doesn’t completely hate change and knows it place and yet somehow I find myself paralyzed anyway during certain times. Why is that? As a positive minded goal oriented person I think I roll so easily with change and keep denying its effect on me until I can’t deny it any longer and like a tidal wave it hits me. Do you ever wonder, is the answer right there and easy to see and because we get so comfortable in our secure place that we don’t see the good right in front of us? I know I am a creature of habit, we all are really and when a lot of things change the fear hits. Our certain world suddenly opening up to intrusion and uncertainty and suddenly we can feel like a turtle retreating in his shell wanting to hide.

I find myself wanting to be let down in myself for getting that paralyzed feeling and allowing myself to be stuck, but that certainly does not do any good. That is like throwing a brick on top of the solution and it becomes even harder to move. The answer is action, and maybe not big huge steps or action that feels life changing or certain but just action. Taking a step even if you are unsure if it is the right one, taking it anyway and allowing it to provide a little power for the next one. With some movement and action comes a little power and some momentum and slowly that fog can lift a little and you see more and more of each step. Those goals and that drive will start to resurface, it didn’t really go anywhere it was always there. I think these times are necessary to allow a balance to fall in so we can take the time to make sure we are in alignment with our purpose and rest some before we push hard for the next phase.

The Power of Connection

Solid in who we are yet learning and growing every day. We have these phases and people in our lives and I don’t even know if we are totally aware while we are in them, but looking back it is so clear how they make us who we are.
I became aware standing in a room filled with grieving people of varying ages gathered together to celebrate the life of someone that passed way too young and there were tears and smiles and the common theme of connection weaved its way through the sea of faces. Some were strangers to each other and some were the closest of family and friends and within that, the closest of friends that were slowly becoming strangers to each other due to the passing of time as each was living out their daily lives spanning out across miles.
It hit me how much impact we have on each others lives and how critically important human connection is from true love to the simplest of gestures like a smile from a stranger. We grow into who we are through each moment of our life and our interactions with our best friend, spouse or nemesis each step along our journey. As a mom I knew how important their friends were and I always understood the power it held in a way but it wasn’t until standing in this room filled with shared grief that I was able to truly see the power of connection, the power that every moment in our lives comes together to make us the people we are. I am grateful for every person that was part of their lives and mine as they grew from the sweet innocent beautiful baby in my arms to the caring, compassionate, smart young adults they are today. That smile the young man shared every day of his life with so many, his love of life and desire to make everyone feel like they were the most special person in the world at any given moment, it filled the room. The connection flowed so heavy, they all had lost this connector, their light. I found myself in a strange place of watching like I wasn’t there at times and wondering do they feel it, do they feel him in the room and his smile. I did and I will never forget it, the peace of a connection made that will carry many through their lives in very unique and special ways.
I hope they find some peace in knowing him, in being a part of a special persons journey that ended too soon and I hope they take the light he shared with so many and let it grow them. I hope they allow the vulnerability that sharing requires and grow from their place of pain and loss. I know I have grown from knowing the young man and will never forget what he gave to his friends, my children and so many others, which was a complete acceptance and friendship that had no strings attached and no selfish motives only a heart felt desire to make people feel special.
I know I am going to share more and be vulnerable and realize the power it holds, the smile to the stranger as we pass and the expression of gratitude to people who touch my life. I will hold my loved ones closer and allow the moments that let others in.
Without love and connection life can be so empty and the power of connection grows within the vulnerability. Be open, share, and do it knowing you may never know how much impact you hold but it is there every day because you are special and when you don’t hide from that, the world benefits.
In memory of a very special young man who wants everyone to Keep on, Keepin’ on. May he rest in peace and God Bless all those who are feeling the pain of his loss.

Take a Chance On You

I wonder what is at the base of the need that most of us seem to have of fitting in, of being like everyone else. We are all created different and within that difference is our unique offering to this world but yet at the core we find ourselves fitting in instead of following our own step. When I stop to think about when that starts or why, I can’t find the answer. I remember being very young and always feeling a little out of step with everyone and not sure why but instead of that being okay, it felt wrong and it felt like I needed to fix that. It affected my confidence but I didn’t know it then of course. I was young and fitting in seemed like the way to do it. In elementary school the ones that are different get picked on by the group as a whole and quite often that quiets their uniqueness and their voice. This one that thinks a little outside the box is suddenly quieted by a larger group of the “normal” children. Do we even notice this or think about why that is? I know I didn’t, until now. I have always felt a little different and in that felt shame or embarrassment instead of pride and anticipation of finding out what that uniqueness meant I could offer this world.
Moving forward into adulthood I find some patterns that just happen and we slide so easily into those patterns, habits and “normal” way of being and we move along as everyone else does during the day. What if we stopped that on some level and actually questioned why we do the things we do and shift them somewhat. Consider a work day where you find a new way to do an important task instead of doing it the way everyone does. Is it possible to take a chance that maybe somewhere inside of our awkwardness and vulnerability is the chance to make a real impact on this world? Why does it have to be done the way it has always been done? Go from no experience to a master because you can if you allow yourself. You can actually set a precedent and discover new ways. You can bit by bit allow your unique self to follow your own way and maybe find a new path.
There is no real opportunity in fitting in, the real opportunity comes when you step to your own step and find your own path and before you know it people are wanting to fit into your way instead of the other way around and just like that you are changing the world and making it a better place. All because you took a chance on you. 

The Little Bits of Information Are Big

I read a lot and feel like I learn from what I read and I am sure I do but then I also know some of it goes in and even though it strikes me as I read it, I forget it.  I have been thinking about how I can change that.  I started taking notes when I read and that has helped some and I have a notebook that I can sift through for the most interesting little bites of information from books I have read.  I realized not long ago that I still don’t think that is enough for me.  So, that brings me to where I am now and my newest approach to add to my life and love of learning by figuring out how to take the most away from what I read.  I still read, I still write notes and I have now added picking one thing from those notes and finding a way to add to my life and reflecting on how that is going.  The list is growing and so is my exposure to new ways of doing things.  I am sure all of this won’t stick but I am also certain without really focusing on adding and trying some of this new information to daily practices and then reflecting back on how it is going I would not be making the most out of the time I spend reading.

The reflecting part is the part that I think helps the most, this helps me make sure the little changes I am making are actually working for me and learning to tweak them to fit my needs and work the best for me.  I stopped thinking so big on what I read and started thinking smaller and that has helped.  It is more real with what I will actually accomplish instead of it being to much so doing nothing.  Small steps forward are better than standing still.  Leaning in is better than leaning back in fear or overwhelm.  There is so much to learn and so much we can all do if we allow ourselves the opportunity by getting out of our own way.

Keep questioning, Keep learning, Keep opening yourself up to challenges, Keep reflecting 

 

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Disconnect to Connect

The noise of life, it is everywhere surrounding us in our daily lives more and more every day.  We have the world at our fingertips and it is there to make life easier with information only a second away with an internet search.  Almost everyone we know has a phone and it is most likely very close by so we can deliver a message instantly to someone and this saves us time, or at least that is the perception.  Our work, we can take it with us and for anyone in a field of work that needs to be away from the office this was a welcome and what felt like needed change.  It allows us the ability to be responsive and move things along quicker.  When these and the many other conveniences came along with the smart phone, it was exciting for most and we couldn’t wait to discover the apps and integrate this new faster, smarter, “more convenient” way to live into our lives.

The faster, smarter more convenient way to live is fully here and has been integrating its way into our daily lives more and more and more with each passing day.  We are connected to the world and everything we need right there in that little device that has become attached to most.  I believe this connection to the world is creating a disconnect among many and pulling us from the here and now and taking our focus from most important to the latest and loudest.  I just need to say, I love my iPhone and the capabilities that I have at my fingertips and I also hate my iPhone at times for the distraction to living that it creates.  Let’s face it, technology is addicting and I can honestly say I am addicted to my phone and not near as much as what I see around me but it is creating stresses in my life that are hard to find a way to control because the noise is always there.  There are texts, emails, social media, reminders and even the occasional phone calls with real human interaction although this is becoming more and more rare.

The noise is here now and the issue it is creating is becoming harder to ignore.  As humans we need connection, it is part of how we were made.  The connection that social media can provide is amazing and wonderful and the ability to text our loved ones a simple message if we can’t speak to them can make someones day.   These are all wonderful things but if we are unable to see the addiction and the way that it is also pulling us out of our lives and interaction and real connection with others right in front of us, is it worth it?  I see families at dinner and the children are on the phone or the iPad instead of discussing their day or laughing while playing tic tac toe on a napkin.  That connection is needed for children and it is needed for adults.    The consequences of less human interaction through face to face discussion and learning to relate to each other and our lack of ability to focus on one item are going to be real and create a whole new set of problems if we aren’t careful.

How can we change the course that we are on and still live in this wonderful world of technology, love our smart phones but also accept that they do present dangers and respect that?  I believe getting back to some basics of focus by doing small things every day to not allow our phones to rule our day.  We don’t have to respond to everything right away, we can post that picture of our food from dinner but wait until you are alone or home and not sitting across the table from your friend you see once a month.  We can find time during the work day to turn off our phones and work without distraction for a period of time, find focus and be much more productive.  We don’t have to make drastic changes to create enough of a change to adjust the path we are on.  Find a way to disconnect and really connect to your loved ones and respect technology for what it does provide but at the same time look up and really see what is right in front of you and on the path ahead and know that deserves attention.  I know I am going to work on this and be grateful for the moments I am fully present in the world right in front of me and not the one in my hand.

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Mountains and Beaches

Mountains and beaches, two of my very favorite things and Thailand has plenty of both.  The weather was not the best for my visit and it did not matter in the least. Even though we didn’t get to do some of the stuff we had planned, like the island boat tours and snorkeling, but I did get to spend some very relaxing disconnected time with my daughter in a beautiful place surrounded by the sounds of the ocean and beautiful tropical plants and complete relaxation.

In addition to relaxing by the pool and ocean, we spent a day doing a tour of the island that consisted of several sites and included a very interesting but crazy drive through the mountains at high speed and with the kind of driver that liked the accelerator and the brakes.  We saw things like their Big Buddha, which you can see from all over the island as the statue is huge at over 145 feet tall.  They say this is the best sunset spot for the island of Phuket but we went during the day, the view is amazing so I do believe that sunset would be incredible.  Getting up there was painful, probably not for most, but for Megan and I both it was a challenge.  Even though we went up at separate times due to my state of awe from the view at the bottom. Megan went on ahead of me we both had the same clumsy climb up.  I would love to be able to say it was treacherous and filled with struggle and more like a hike up wet stairs but no, it was stairs and it wasn’t raining, but we both fell going up.  Megan apparently tried to take out an asian family and their small child as she fell hurting her upper leg and scraping herself somewhat. Me, well I fell by slamming my big toe into the stairs and dropped.  I was able to catch myself before my face hit so there is that, but did some pretty serious damage to my toe.  We laughed through the tears that we both fell going up and hurt ourselves and then we continued on with our day.  The rest of my day was continued with a limp as I dragged my oversized toe along with me.  My oversized toe joined us on our elephant part of the trip and I suddenly was very happy my toe didn’t hurt from being stomped on by an elephant.  They are huge, I know I know everyone knows elephants are huge but still when you see them up close they are huge!!!!  We were able to play with a baby elephant and we got a hug from a one year old baby that was bigger than us and we were able to ride on Lele with her trainer Tony, who by the way seemed more than little crazy.  I have to admit I was very nervous getting on the gentle giant but did it anyway and so happy I did it was quite the experience.  At one point Tony had gotten off and was just roaming around leaving us up on this giant totally vulnerable to whatever it decided to do. Suddenly she started backing up and dropping down, we thought or I did anyway, she was going to sit down which would have dropped us like a rock off the back, so that was fun and terrifying.  We learned that Lele apparently needed to scratch her bottom on a rock so we only dropped part way and then on our way.

 

Chalong temples was included in this day and it was beautiful, our timing was nice as we got to see a ceremony of a monk becoming a monk.  This consisted of music and a lot of people carrying the monk around the temple (this happens 3 times) and then some prayers outside and ended with a ceremonial throwing of something that looked like wrapped gifts out into the crowd.  There were a lot of them and everyone was quite happy and yelling hoping to get these wrapped items as he threw many many handfuls.  I felt like I was witnessing something quite magical and even though I wasn’t 100% certain of all that was happening I knew it was very very special and I was very grateful for our timing and this experience.  The timing I found interesting is that immediately after he stepped into the temple it started to rain, we ran for cover and stayed there for about 10 minutes until it stopped.  Not sure why I felt that the rain had anything at all to do with the event I just witnessed however I do believe it did and that just made me smile.

 

We were both tired by the time we got back from this long day consisting of other stops as well and my toe was now quite large and throbbing, the evening consisted of room service, rain and my foot elevated as I wondered how this would impact the rest of our trip. I am happy to say that other than walking slowly and with a limp it didn’t impact the trip too much and as I finish this blog more than a week after being home it still hurts and I can’t bend it.

The days following were spent getting more Thai coconut oil massages, once daily in fact, and they were absolutely incredible at 300 baht ($9) for one hour.  The thai massages in an outdoor hut with ocean rolling in, breezes, birds chirping, rain falling some days, smell of coconut oil and a massage therapist that seems to understand the human body completely was an experience that may have ruined me for spa massages in America forever.  Yes, they were that good!!!

The pool and swim up bars were just beautiful and we found ourselves at the pool closest to ocean so we could swim and enjoy the sounds of the ocean.  Megan enjoyed so much she found herself napping.  Coconuts and mango daiquiris, books and great conversation, playing in the waves of the ocean (me getting knocked down by the waves), laughter, slow simple moments that I will treasure for a lifetime.

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The Adventure Continues

The adventure continues and it is time to say goodbye to Cambodia and hello to Thailand.  We are packed and ready, the tuk tuk driver that brought us from the airport is picking us up after breakfast and taking us to the airport for  our flight to Bangkok then on to Phuket.

The ride to the airport with the same views I saw the day I came in feel so different now.  I feel like I am seeing them with different eyes and processing it all so differently.  The day I came into Cambodia I could definitely say I was having a little culture shock.  The poverty I saw as I rode by having no story to go with it, no connection to what their life was like in Cambodia felt different than it does now.  I now have stories and a very small understanding and it makes me see things differently and I smile.  I am very excited to be going to Thailand but I also am a little sad to leave here.  It feels so different here and I know I could continue to learn so much more by being here.  To best explain it is to say that all of my senses are on overload in such a positive way.  I see, hear, smell everything it feels like and that is overwhelming and incredible at the same time.  I feel like someone switched an on button to a part of me that just sleeps in habit and norm. I understand more why people  travel so far and can honestly say even just the week of being here was worth the long flight to get here.

Thailand here we come, well after two flights and a few hours.   The flight from Bangkok to Phuket was not fun at all and bumpy and loud and kind of miserable.  The people behind us were screaming or at least it seemed and unfortunately their conversation was odd and annoying instead of interesting.  They were two young adults and spoke english headed to Phuket as well, together however they didn’t really know each other.  Getting off the plane in Thailand the airport was busy and people everywhere and figuring out where to go and how to get a ride while trying to calculate the money piece of it so we didn’t pay way too much.  The Thai bat is about $3 U.S. for each $100 bat.  We were welcomed at the hotel by everyone instantly and that feeling was there every day we were there.  The resort was large and beautiful and right on the ocean.  The waters green and waves pounding in and we are set back in a cove so mountains surrounding us, so beautiful!

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What will our time here be like, looking forward to exploring and relaxing and enjoying more time with Megan.

 

Rural Cambodia

 Biking through rural villages of Cambodia through rice fields and farms while getting a taste of Cambodian life. We met at their office in Siem Reap, Grasshopper Adventures, and set out on our way with our tour guide Bota. Bota is a national cycling champion and full of information to share and stories. We made stops all along the way of our 25km ride which made it not seem so far and with weather so brutal hot the stops were great for water breaks. Our first stop was a village market where we tasted many foods (nun pun, nun long, akow and others) I didn’t try a couple of things but Megan was all in. We saw that they have a lottery in Cambodia and we thought that was interesting, the children were just adorable watching with their moms. One little boy in squeaky shoes was quite happy to make his shoes make sounds. We see so many with no clothes or partially dressed and then like this little guy he was all decked out in squeaky shoes. The scooters here are constant and everywhere and you see parents riding with small children just holding onto them.  Sometimes a whole family on one scooter. The driving here with really no rules makes for interesting things to watch and basically it is frightening.
  
From the village market we turned on orange clay streets with rice fields and banana, papaya and other tropical trees and rode by homes various homes some on stilts with a thatch roof and some more modern concrete homes. The children waved and smiled so happily as we passed by on our bikes. Our stops included a rice machine at a home, fish farm, duck farm, pig farm, crocodile farm, and a Buddhist temple. Our tour guide actually lived in that temple for 5 years when his parents died so he told us all about the rules and how helpful it is to those that have nothing at all. There was also a small cafe where we were able to enjoy iced coffee or coconut and some more local snacks (fresh spring roll, Logan and others). The cafe was a roadside stand with a roof and in the back was a school area set up with desks and a board. I had my first Asian toilet experience here and I hope my last.

Our group was small and it was just a fun day. We had an older couple from Australia and a girl Megan had met in Vietnam had arrived in Cambodia so she joined us as well, her name was Katie. The day was perfect out with blue skies and even though hot out it was perfect.

Seeing rural Cambodia was truly a delight and had a way of really immersing me into a different world. I didn’t feel like a tourist at all and felt so much a part of where I was. So much beauty here, nature and people. Grateful to be able to be more aware. It opens up perspective and life.

I Haven’t Traveled Much But Now I Have Traveled Far

Small town living creates a certain thought process, one that you are aware of and one you aren’t. The ideas you form in your mind of life in different areas, even if educated in these areas, is smaller than what that life is really like. The capability to really see a country or culture without stepping into it, is difficult at best for anyone.

 To travel to an unknown place with totally open mind, open eyes and an open heart, well it can hurt and be exhilarating and beautiful at the same time. The poverty and yet bright eyes and smiles filled with happiness and gratitude that you are in their country and learning about their culture. Every corner you turn every person you meet, almost everything you see is filled with things to learn and grow. No habits, no normal routine, you have to be aware of everything. It is like being a child again, not knowing the language, the culture, really anything and that creates an innocent childlike wonder.

 I haven’t traveled much, but now I have traveled far and my heart is more full and my mind has places that I didn’t know were curious, just screaming for more.